


The Other Side

by caisha



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Canon Continuation, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Heartache, Post-TLJ, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-10 21:10:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20534651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caisha/pseuds/caisha
Summary: For Rey, all the cheers felt like needles piercing her skin, the ache and emptiness in her entire body weighing it as she slid down the edge of the wall. Her eyes glazed over, unable to see anyone specific; their smiles, laughs, claps on the back.They would never - could never - know what it was like for her in that moment.Kylo Ren was dead. And Ben Solo with him.





	The Other Side

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this two months ago and I guess I never posted it because I felt it was incomplete, but I discovered it again and thought it was fine as is so here's some pain enjoy.

The cheers echoed off the metal of the command room as the deaths were confirmed. Perhaps they weren't all happy from the deaths of thousands of people - the enemy, they would say - but for what it meant.

Freedom, for the galaxy and all the planets that had been ripped apart in the Supreme Leaders' quest to make it better - under the thumb of the First Order.

Maybe hope for a better republic than the last iteration - one that understood the constant threat it would be under while protecting their democracy. But without steadfast leaders like Leia Organa, it was hard to comprehend how or even where to start.

But for Rey, the cheers felt like needles piercing her skin, the ache and emptiness in her entire body weighing it as she slid down the edge of the wall. Her eyes glazed over, unable to see anyone specific; their smiles, laughs, claps on the back.

They would never - could never - know what it was like for her in that moment.

Kylo Ren was dead. And Ben Solo with him.

* * *

Night fell across the planet, the base's revelry carried through into the open air where Rey sat against the wall, staring up at the sky. Ignoring the pain that lanced across her chest with every laugh.

Her first friend, Finn, found her there - excited and perhaps a little drunk off whatever spirits the Resistance had gathered for such a celebration.

"It's cold," he said as he leaned against the wall, staring down at her body folded in on itself. "Why don't you come inside?"

"I'm just getting some air before I head back - all the excitement throws my senses off." The lie rolled off her tongue and onto the pile of them that had grown in the last year. It was easier, now. He had made it easier - whether it brought her comfort or not was something she pushed away. Later.

"You know the one thing I regret about having to coordinate the Stormtrooper exfiltration," Rey braced herself - the eagerness in his voice. She knew what was coming. She might throw up. "Not being on the team that killed him, you know? I wanted to see Kylo Ren's face as he was executed for crimes against the galaxy."

Against him, was the underlying sentiment. And Rey understood - she knew what Ben had been a part of; but it hadn't mattered. After a while, it all just fell away. He was changing things, the crimes - the subjugation of unwilling orphans, planets. Trying to be a leader that could help the galaxy for once.

But for some - most - it was too little too late. The First Order had to be destroyed.

_ "I can't lose you again," her voice shook, staring at his profile as he looked out the large window of the star destroyer. "You have to go. Now." _

She had said nothing to anyone - tried to stop the madness that reached its zenith when General Organa passed away the month before. But after that, no one would listen. And who could blame them. A woman like that should not have spent her last months fighting yet another war - and against her son.

"That sounds awful I know," Finn continued as if her silence was nothing but normal. As if it wasn't a sign that her heart had stopped beating twelve hours ago and would never be the same again. An irregular rhythm. Unnatural. "But the galaxy is FREE! Come on, let's go and enjoy the party."

_ "I can't go, Rey," his voice struggled to push the words out. Shaking under the attempt to remain placid and calm; but she knew him now, far better than she ever thought she would have. Since Ahch-To. Since Snoke. "This only ends one way." _

_ "Then FIGHT - Kylo Ren has never run from a worthy fight," the use of that name pulled him away from the black expanse. He watched the tears build up, anger and terror broiling inside of her soul. "Why won't you fight?" _

_ A pause. "I don't want you to see me die." _

Rey struggled to hide her emotions from her friend as she accepted his hand up. Warm and rough - different, though. Achingly different.

As she walked beside him, staring at the smiling faces and the cheery music, Rey knew Ben had been right. They would never understand it. Accept it, the way she did.

* * *

The next day's meal was worse, the jovialness had given way to a smug sense of right; the plans for the new Republic had begun in earnest, but her friends were still exchanging gossip on the gruesome events.

"He had last words, can you believe it? He didn't even deserve that much," Poe's fire was apparent in the way each word was charged as he leaned his elbows on the table.

Rey tried not to listen, but was desperate for any small piece of Ben's last moments. He had shut her out, in the end.

Her fork scraped along the now-empty plate as Finn responded, "What does someone like that even say for themselves?"

"'Tell her I love her'," Poe mocked the cold way Kylo had spoken them.

Rey dropped her fork with a soft clatter, pulling their eyes briefly before she pushed out a brittle smile.

"Can you imagine? Kylo Ren loving  _ anyone?" _

"It was probably just a ploy for mercy, even at the end." Finn assured Rose, who was the only one who looked a bit mournful between the three of them. "He killed his own father. I saw it. Monster."

_ "You're a monster," she spat as the waves crashed against the rocks. Her eyes were only on the dark-clothed man in front of her. _

_ He stepped closer, so close she could see the hints of color in his eyes. His lips as they set, steeled as he watched her. _

_ "Yes I am." _

The confession had floored her, even then. Shivering, Rey stood up in the middle of their argument about Kylo Ren's humanity, escaping to the small room where she had so many quiet conversations with him.

She couldn't stay here, couldn't leave with them when they established some new central bureaucracy. She needed to  _ leave. _

_ "We could stay at my grandmother's estate," he said as his fingers twined around her hair. Ever so gentle as he braided it. _

_ He loved to braid it, but would always tell her to undo them once she left. _

_ He never told her why. _

_ "Won't people come looking for you there?" _

_ "People know of my grandfather, but even fewer knew about her. They wouldn't find us. Naboo would hide us as long as we wished." _

_ "I don't think I could live in exile forever," she had confessed when he brought up the only real option they had: running away. _

As she stared at the empty bed, she cursed herself again. After all of her uncertainty, now she really was considering exile.

Not in so many words, but in her heart that is what she deserved. Ben would've been alive had she agreed then and there.

But he could have left the First Order at any time, without her agreement - she would always find him.

"I hate you," she whispered, slumping down onto the bed. Curling in on herself, she pulled her pillow close to her chest, imagining she was being cradled by him once again.

* * *

A few weeks later, drained of all vitality she had built up in the year since Crait and Takodana and Starkiller, she said her goodbyes to Rose and Finn. She was vague, unable to hide the dark circles under her eyes as she told them she had more training to do.

They didn't ask. Didn't really understand - no one could, now. She was all alone - in both her training, and-

"You'll be back though, right?"

_ I'll come back, sweetheart. _

Rey shook the memories away and nodded, smiling at Rose. "Of course I will. And I'll check in on you both to see how the rebuild is going."

The Resistance was still roping the old Republic planets into building something new - and dealing with the deprogramming of so many Stormtroopers. Hux had not gone quietly. Unlike Kylo.

She choked at the thought, remembering so many accounts of his death through others' eyes. But the only one that mattered was the moment he was gone - she was snapped in two, her body doubling over as her heart threatened to escape. The bond that had once been so full of  _ life  _ was now shredded and empty.

* * *

_ You need a teacher. _

His voice ran through her head with every swing, every foot that fell on the ground as she ran, pushing her body to its limits.

He had been right, as always -

As she practiced the Forms that she had read about, skin slick with sweat, she felt her anger build up again.

_ I can't believe I thought you would change. _

The anger she felt when the bond connected them for the first time after Crait had been laced with a sickness in her chest she refused to address.

He had said nothing, standing there as she raged at him - taking it as he had on Ahch-To. Simply watching her, drinking her in.

He didn't say anything for a long time.

Rey bent her legs as she leaned back, struggling to balance, but a subtle presence pushed against her lower back. Startled, she spun around, unaware of any other sentient life on the island.

She reached out with the Force, easier now with her daily meditations, searching for an explanation. Nothing was there. Wind, maybe.

Or her mind. Maybe she was slowly going insane in a way Jakku had never accomplished.

Shaking it off, she walked to the edge of the cliff, staring at the ocean she had once been so mesmerized by. Everything seemed duller, now.

Closing her eyes, she allowed herself a brief moment.

_ She knelt on the floor, eyes closed in meditation in her small room on the base. _

_ He walked up behind her, impossible to ignore, but she tried. _

_ "I'm sorry," Ben whispered. It was their third meeting since Crait, and the first time he had spoken to her; the first time, she had raged. The second, she had pretended he wasn't there. It was so much easier than admitting what truly bothered her. _

_ That she still hoped. _

_ But when he finally spoke, it wasn't what she expected; Rey stiffened. He had been so broken, she had felt it as the Falcon left. Felt the ache in her soul as she watched Finn take care of Rose. Felt a similar sadness as she sat beside his mother, Leia. _

_ He was lost, surrounded by people who wanted him dead. On both sides. _

_ "I was wrong. Will you help me?" _

_ He didn't seem phased by her silence, neither angry nor petulant. He just waited, as he had in the throne room - before she had ruined it. At that, Rey stood slowly, one foot on the ground at a time as she rose and turned. _

_ "Yes." _

* * *

The man stood next to her as they watched bodies swirling to the music, a celebration of the newly re-established republic on Chandrila. Rey had resisted all attempts at dressing her for the occasion, preferring her simple wraps still. She shrouded herself as the Jedi had, even though she did not count herself as one even after a year in exile and training.

It felt wrong, to call herself that.

_ It's time to let old things die. _

His voice was in her head, always. Sometimes quiet, sometimes pushing at the edges of reality. She couldn't escape him, didn't want to. And so she stayed in her quiet, perfect bubble for as long as she could.

Until her friends came, forcing her to rejoin the group for the festivities. It was good to be with them again, even though there were potent reminders of why she left in the first place.

The man beside her had been assigned as her guide on Chandrila, a newly-minted representative of some planet she was unfamiliar with. He was charming, but in a way that left her uneasy even now.

"Would you care to dance?" He asked, holding out a white-gloved hand.

_ Please. _

Rey paled, unable to look at him as she shook her head.

It closed into a fist as he withdrew it. Eyes were watching them, though she didn't realize - why would she know the political intrigue at play?

Hours later, he escorted her to her door, leaning in to kiss her goodnight.

_ They rested their backs against the wall, exhausted from sparring. _

_ "The bond - it doesn't tax our energy the way I would expect." She smiled at him, at his unending curiosity about what they had, reminded always of their first. _

_ "No - but our training does," he huffed and stood up at that, holding his hand to help her up. _

_ Without hesitation, she took it and he pulled her up in one powerful pull. The motion pushed her into his chest, clothed this time - but she could still remember the fluttering of her heart when she had seen it on Ahch-To. She knew exactly what it would look like, even after a lightsaber session. _

_ He said nothing, watching as her eyes roamed the black expanse of his shirt until she locked onto his stare. _

_ Slowly, hesitantly, he lowered his head. Rey had seen things, heard stories - but he wanted this? With her? _

_ "Rey," he whispered as he hovered just above her lips. Soft, warm breath hitting her lips. "I do." _

_ And she kissed him, pushing her lips against his, unsure but uncaring if it was right. _

Alarmed, Rey jabbed her hand into the representative's throat as she realized how close he had come to kissing her.

"What gave you the idea I would be interested? I am not  _ for you."  _ He struggled to breathe, looking at her with incredulity and surprise. He shouldn't have been. "Please leave."

He listened this time, scurrying off as he coughed down the hallway. Rey held it together until she was on the other side of her room's doors.

Finally alone, she let out a cry at the memory, at how close it had come to being ruined.

* * *

_ She felt his presence as she scratched a new mark into the wall of her room, a score of them along the wall - familiar. The only thing that made it feel like home, in a way. _

" _ What are you doing?" He said, wrapping his arms around her. _

_ "Marking the days I've been here. An old habit, from when I lived on Jakku." The words were heavy with what she didn't say, but Rey knew he would feel it - by now, they knew each other better than anyone else. His head came to rest against her shoulder, words low in her ear. _

_ "Will you show me?" Startled by the question, she turned around. He knew they couldn't see anything but each other - it wasn't possible. He seemed to understand, his lips pulling in thought as he clarified, "On Jakku. Meet me there?" _

_ "It's dangerous for us - for you," the possibility made her heart race. Seeing him, holding him in the present- _

_ "I don't care, I need to see you again before-" _

_ The connection cut off there, but she knew what he was going to say. _

_ Before the battle. Before they fight. _

_ Before he dies. _

* * *

The ache between her thighs was still acute, remembering the night on Jakku when she had met him - the marks on the walls, the room she had grown up in. They had grown up so differently, and yet still they were tied together by the same loneliness. The same fear.

She asked him that night, mere days before the Resistance finally caught up to him, to make love to her - and he had. With fumbling urgency and loving caresses, he had worshipped her in the place she had always felt the most alone.

Rose and Finn were being married today.

_ "They love each other - it's endearing. I always wanted that," she recounted the day Finn proposed to many cheers. _

_ "Have you ever loved someone?" She asked quietly, unable to resist the need to know more about him. Always needing to know. _

_ "It was never something I thought about," he confessed as he sat against her bed watching the floor. "I was never allowed to." _

_ She understood - caring, intimacy could get you killed on Jakku, in the scrap heaps. Partnering up for salvage was sometimes necessary - but you had to watch your back. _

_ It was odd that somehow in the middle of a galactic war, this was what she chose to think about with him. _

_ "It was a luxury, on Jakku. A fantasy only - that someone would ever love me." That my parents loved me, she thought silently. _

_ "Love leads to heartbreak," his voice was low, anger lapping at the edges of their bond. Before she could say anything, he disappeared. _

Tears filled her eyes as the sound of celebration streamed outside her walls once again as she lay curled in bed.

They could never know.

But at night, she remembers.

_ "Tell her I love her." _

**Author's Note:**

> I promise I like angst that doesn't end in one of them dying.
> 
> Find me @reylosource


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